April 11, 2025

Today it’s been harder to feel deep feelings and harder to cry. I just want to see your face and hold you — that would satisfy my every longing. I want to feel every part of the grief of losing you. You demand to be felt. My daughter, my girl. Your life is so precious to me, and I only aim to honor it.

I was sitting here daydreaming about coming to visit you one day and seeing Jesus return. How wonderful it would be to scoop you up in my arms. I pray that He comes quickly. Soon is not soon enough.

I miss you and I love you, Alice. Allie girl. Imagine me giving you a thousand hugs and kisses. We’ll be back again tomorrow. Every day without you, Alice, is a hard day.

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April 12, 2025

I hate how normal grieving is starting to feel. Like I’ve just accepted that my baby is gone and that losing Alice is now apart of my routine or identity. I wish I could be more outraged — still living in the shock of loss. But I now wake up sad and go to bed sad, missing Alice. As if I’ve been doing it for years already. Why is that?

This is not normal at all. Losing my little girl is so wrong. It’s not what God intended. So why am I able to keep breathing normally? Maybe it’s the Holy Spirit. Or community support. Or family. Maybe it’s a supernatural assurance or hope for eternal life with her someday soon. And the comfort of knowing she’s safe and at peace with Jesus.

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April 24, 2025

Oh honey – I miss you. Today feels like too much for me. Every day is too much. I still can’t believe this nightmare I’m in is real. I’m scared of what life looks like — the rest of it. I wish there wasn’t “the rest.” I cannot be comforted because you are no more.

I do believe (I have to believe) that you are still alive — just not here on earth. But then why? Why would God want you to only live 33 minutes here and then take you? And why leave me? It feels like some sort of punishment or cruelty. Why allow such suffering? I don’t think I’ll ever understand.

It’s hard to believe in a God that cares for and loves you when He allows your baby to die. Forgive me if that’s sinful, Lord, but this life feels like torture most of the time. Yes, I have so many blessings — so many things I don’t deserve. Yet they’re all nothing to me without Alice. They’re worth nothing. I would give up everything to have her.

Souls are the only things that matter. Eternal souls, my family, people. Thank you for creating Alice and giving her to me for a short time. Thank you for allowing me to meet my daughter. Thank you for her wonderful face. Thank you for protecting her from pain and suffering. Thank you for taking her with you to heaven, giving her peace and joy. Thank you for giving her eternal life. Thank you for the hope of seeing her again. Thank you for letting me be her mom — the highest honor in the world.

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April 28, 2025

“I will not leave you or forsake you. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Only be strong and courageous.” Joshua 1

These words really stuck out to me in our Bible reading today. It felt like God was saying them to me. And like He reminded me that Jesus is coming soon. How soon – I don’t know. But soon. Soon you’ll be in my arms for all of eternity and there will be no more sorrow or mourning. My little girl will be with her mama forever.

I miss you every second and cannot wait for “soon” to be “now” and for “now” to be forever. Eternally present with Jesus and my girl. My whole heart. I feel your love in the wind, Alice. I hope you can feel mine too.