June 2, 2025

“I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow… My people shall be satisfied with my goodness… Keep your voice from weeping, and your eyes from tears, for there is a reward for your work, and they shall come back from the land of the enemy (death). There is hope for your future, and your children shall come back to their own country.”

Jeremiah 31:13-17

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June 3, 2025

I keep looking for some reason or solution to all of this, but there isn’t one. It’s just pain I have to live with and walk through. A dark heavy weight I have to carry until Jesus finally removes it in glory. A cross to bear? It’s suffering, for sure. I just ache for you, Alice. All of my life and heart orients itself around and towards April 1, 2025 — the best day of my entire existence. The day I got to see and hold and kiss my little girl for the first time. My everything.

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June 8, 2025

We went to church this morning, and I cried thinking of you saying to me, “Look, I’m beautiful, Mama,” with flowers in your hair — like the little girl in Jayber Crow. You are so beautiful, Alice. The most beautiful girl in the world. My flower, Alice Meadows.

Life is so painful, being apart from you. Thy will be done — it’s so hard to write that when I know His will may mean living a lifetime here without you. But I have to trust that His plan is better than mine and that eternal life with you will far surpass this grief.

“I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world’s finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, of all the blood they’ve shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened.”

Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

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June 9, 2025

Today is a big day. Your headstone was installed. I can’t believe it actually happened. It feels like a big final step to your burial. It makes me sad. But also comforted with how beautiful it is. I was so scared that I wouldn’t like what we chose and regret it, but it looks so much better than I hoped. Praise God.

The first/top line says, “Our baby girl” — because that’s what I call you, my baby girl. Then it’s your full name and birthday and the verse, “Let the little children come to me…” Matthew 19:14. We have a cross in the top right corner and flowers bordering the top left to bottom right. It’s brown with gold writing and a vase at the top. The entire marker is on top of a big slab of granite. The marker itself is probably the size of your casket — your little white casket.

I miss you so much, Alice. I hate, absolutely hate with every fiber of my being, hate putting you in the ground. It’s so wrong. But, because I had to do it, I’m so glad it’s a beautiful peaceful spot that’s safe and protected and close by, so that you’re always close and your mama can visit so easily. Half of you is right here under this marker — your perfect precious body. The other half (your soul) is with Jesus in heaven. Both halves are at peace and safe. I’m so thankful that you are safe. Our Shepherd is keeping watch over you.

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June 10, 2025

I can’t believe this is real. I walked up to your grave today to see an actual headstone with your name on it. It doesn’t feel real that you’re in Heaven and that my baby’s body is in the ground in front of me. I don’t think that will ever feel real or okay to me.

I do love being able to look at your name though — and the cross. Alice. My favorite name.

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June 11, 2025

“For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:10-11

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June 14, 2025

This morning your dad and I had a mini-Father’s day celebration. You made him a daddy. We opened his presents (books about daddy and you) and cried, because we miss you so much. It’s not fair. We want you here with us. But instead we have to wait for Jesus to either return or call us home. The wait is so hard when all I want is in Heaven — my little girl. All of my treasure is in Heaven.

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14

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June 15, 2025

Today is Father’s Day. You made your daddy a father, so you’re extra special. It’s been a hard sad day for us both.

I noticed something today in church. There are daisies on the top of all the stained glass windows, surrounding the sanctuary. It’s like you’re surrounding us in worship, sweet Alice. My little love.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

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June 17, 2025

Takeaways from Romans 8:

God predestined each of our sufferings in order that we may also be glorified, just as the Cross was predestined from eternity. He intimately weaves our lives just as intimately as His own son’s life because He loves us. Our present sufferings of losing Alice “are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” And if God loves us and predestined our glory from all eternity, whom shall we fear? Nothing can separate us from His love.

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever (with Alice).” Psalm 23

God is walking with you through sufferings and guiding you to glory and eternal life. Through the valley, not around it. Jesus is the King of Glory.

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June 21, 2025

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning… You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give thanks to you forever.” Psalm 30

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June 22, 2025

Last night was a historic moment. The U.S. bombed three nuclear sites in Iran — a little over an hour away from my grandparents. They are safe, thank the Lord. But the planes they used to bomb them came an hour away from me here. How strange is that? It almost doesn’t feel like a coincidence. It feels very personal and specific. Planes from where I live now traveled across the world to bomb where my grandparents, your great-grandparents, are sheltering. That is very weird… What are the odds?

On top of that, I had a bad dream last night about losing you. You were in a hospital’s NICU for some reason, but I couldn’t get to you and no one seemed to care. I felt so helpless and alone and confused and hazy. Almost like I do now, wanting to be with you in Heaven, but I can’t get to you. A lot of strange things.

“I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul… Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing. My strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away. But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God.’ Make your face shine on your servant; save me in your steadfast love. You heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help. Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord.” Psalm 31

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June 23, 2025

Your due date is coming up in less than a month, so your daddy and I are thinking about sharing something about you on July 19. Pictures and thoughts. Your story. I maybe run the risk of sharing too much. I just love you so much and want everyone else to see how wonderful you are. You should be celebrated and cherished. Alice. Allie girl.

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June 24, 2025

Last night was another historic moment. Trump negotiated a cease-fire between Iran and Israel, thus ending the 12 day war, supposedly. We will see what actually happens.

I got to thinking about the way I view myself and my experience seeing you for the first time, so in love. God showed me in that moment that He loves me like I love you. Thinking about how God loves me is really hard to comprehend. Almost uncomfortable. But it’s true.

I love you so much and can’t imagine loving you more. You’re so wonderful, and God gave you to me. And to think God might see me with the same fierce love and affection just seems so unfathomable. I want to believe it more. It’s hard to feel it and believe it.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me my daughter, my baby girl, Alice. She is the most precious person to me. Thank you for letting me see her face and hold her and kiss her and have a week with her. I just wish it lasted forever. It will soon, I pray. Forever is soon.

Oh, I also added something new to your spot today. I added my favorite picture of you in a waterproof frame. It’s so nice to see your face. And I added two blue butterfly stickers from your book. God is faithful.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13

“Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For your heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.” Psalm 33

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June 25, 2025

It’s weird to think we’ve been married for almost a year now. And then 6 days after that (July 13) is your due date (July 19). It’s really crazy how much life can change in just one year. This year has flown by but also felt like slow motion at times. You, Alice, are the best part of this year. And will be the best part of our lives. Our precious little girl changed it all. You brought so much beauty and goodness and truth to every facet of our lives, and still do. So thank you, Alice. Your dad and I are so blessed to call you ours.

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.’ The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3

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June 26, 2025

The most amazingly bright rainbow came out tonight. We sang together – our song. Thank you, Lord, for your beauty and protection. Thank you for sharing it with me, Alice. I love you. I love singing with you.

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June 27, 2025

I feel a lot of peace tonight here with you, Alice. A peace that doesn’t really make sense. One that calms my mind and spirit — a divine peace. Almost like confirmation that the Shepherd is guiding me beside still waters. My body feels at ease, and I have hope. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for peace. Thank you for Alice. Thank you for leading me. Thank you for letting me have these past few months to just be. I need to just be.

“But we impart a secret and hidden wisdom of God, which God decreed before the ages for our glory… What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him.” 1 Corinthians 2

(decreed suffering from eternity for our glory)

“Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mountains of God; your judgments are like the great deep; man and beast you save, O Lord. How precious is your steadfast love, O God. The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from the river of your delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light.” Psalm 36

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June 28, 2025

I just spent some time reading earlier entries in this journal and reflecting on these past couple of months. I don’t remember most days or how we got here, but we made it. Somehow. Each day is different, but today doesn’t feel as hard as yesterday or the weeks before. Now I find that when I sit here with you in the still of the evening with the setting sun, life feels a little more bearable and calm. God has been meeting us here. I think He’s guiding me, and I’m trying to listen. He’s been listening to me.

All of Psalm 37 – so good.

“Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… He will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your justice as the noonday.” Psalm 37

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June 29, 2025

Today has been such a hard day for your mama.

Sometimes the grief pierces so deeply and nothing in the world could console me. I want my baby. I need my girl. It’s so painful to be separated from my baby. My heart. My chest is vacant and a raw sorrow remains.

I have a general anger towards joy and celebration. Some days it’s too much to handle. Have mercy on me, Lord. I just miss my Alice. That’s it. All day, every day. But especially so today.

“O Lord, all my longing is before you, my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes — it also has gone from me… But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer… Do not forsake me, O Lord. O my God, be not far from me. Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation.”

Psalm 38

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June 30, 2025

Today is the last day of June. Tomorrow is July 1st, a Tuesday. 13 weeks from your birthday. July is a big month — it includes our wedding anniversary (on the 13th) and your due date (on the 19th).

I wore cinderella socks for you today. She was my favorite princess (besides you, of course). I love and miss you, my baby girl. A bushel and a peck, Alice. Allie girl.

“O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am. Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath… And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. Deliver me from all my transgressions. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry.” Psalm 39