April 10, 2025

I started a journal the day after we buried Alice and have kept it since. I go visit my baby girl every day and write to her and read Scripture with her and pray. Inside the front cover of the journal, I wrote:

Alice April Meadows

Born: 24 weeks 3 days, KU Med

Weight: 337 grams

Length: 24.5 cm

Originally due: July 19, 2025

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This was my first journal entry:

Hi honey,

We buried you yesterday at Mt. Moriah. It was the hardest day of my life. To put you in a box and in the ground — it’s so wrong. You’re supposed to be here, in my arms, so I can always protect and take care of you. I hated putting the lid on. I never wanted to cover your perfect face — I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. I pray that God protects your precious body. That He places an angel over your grave, to keep my Alice safe until the last day when the lid is finally removed and you are in my arms for eternity.

I just want you to be okay, baby. I want you to be safe and happy and at peace. Please pray that I can trust God and have that strong assurance in the resurrection and eternal life. I believe it in my head, but my heart is afraid. I believe; please help my unbelief.

Oh, how I miss you, my Allie girl. I selfishly want you here with me, but I’m trying to remember that you are in the care of God the Father, Jesus Christ our Shepherd, and the Holy Spirit. Come quickly, Lord. Please come quickly. How long must I live without my girl? Have mercy on me, Lord.

I’m sitting on your grave right now, Alice. I want to be near you all the time. I hope you know and feel how much I love you. Love isn’t strong enough a word. I’ll be here everyday, sweet girl. I hope you like the spot your daddy picked. It’s beautiful here — the view and the water and the wind. Sometimes I think I feel you in the wind. Like you are caressing my face with yours. I hope I’m right.

Thinking about the days ahead feels so overwhelming, so I’m trying to live as Jesus told us to — one day at a time. Will you help me, sweet Alice?

Lord, help me get through today. Thank you for Alice. Thank you for Scott and my family. Thank you.

I love you, my Allie girl.

Love,

Mama